Quotable Homer

• "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs."
• "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
• "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
• "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
• "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet,they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
• "To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!"
• "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
• "I want to share something with you -- the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
• "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
• "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty.'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
• "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
• "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
• "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
• "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
• "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?"
• "We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
• "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"