Church Takes New Position on Animals

"I'm a soul dog"

UKC News Service - 7/4/01 - The Vatican - Today the Vatican - the one near Rome, Italy - announced that in line with the Catholic Church's official acceptance of evolutionary theory, non-human animals will now be recognized as having souls.

Remarking that it had never been constrained by a literalist interpretation of the Bible, and noting the manifest biological continuity of human and non-human animals as implied by the neo-Darwinian evolutionary synthesis, the official press release said that there was no longer any reason to deny souls to non-human organisms.

Reaction to the news was mixed. While farmers and meat processors expressed outrage, dogs, cats and other cute, furry creatures (as well as about fifty billion aphids) proclaimed their relief and expressed their wish for full and immediate representation in the Great Chain of Being.

The leading candidate for the latter role was Roxanne du Berger Noir who, despite her youth, has already assumed a prominent position in human-animal relations.

"We're ready to make her a Cardinal," said Vatican spokesperson Father Tortoni Canini, "but we're having a bit of trouble finding garments that fit. We've never had such a young Cardinal before." In response to one reporter's question, "Why would you want to turn a dog into a bird?" Father Canini replied, "Not that kind of cardinal, you idiot!"

The Editor of Dogue in Vogue, Ms. Muffy-Joan Barrington-Bronk, who served as a consultant on a new line of Sacred Spring garments, was reportedly quite pleased with Roxanne's choice of color, saying "Dayglo orange is so eye-catching. It will literally stop traffic."

To support his claim that fitting was the main obstacle to du Berger Noir's transition, Father Fyodor Ovcharka, the official Vatican non-human photographer, offered the following record of attempts by Papal haberdashers to use existing materials.


-standing proud and tall

-donning the headwear, with bottle of wholly water visible on right

-problems with headwear become apparent

-undonning the headwear - better luck next time!

-while basking in the light of reflected glory, Snickers (1/20/89 - 11/11/03) sheds tears of joy at the news of Roxanne's new status

... continuing to grow

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Last updated November 21, 2003