Hillbilly Farms Satellite Barns

Ocala, FL - I'm a bona fide hillbilly, with roots in Putnam County, TN but now reside in Ocala, FL, the self-proclaimed 'Horse Capital of the World!'. As you can see from the photos below, I have never taken advantage of any of the amazing clinics offered in the area for competitive riders and professionals.

At my nanofarm, "Walk on Aire Dales" I specialize in trying to jump horses that weren't bred to jump, in particular walking horses. Our poster child is a Tennessee Walking Horse who couldn't manage the running walk very well. Unfortunately she also had a very difficult time trotting and cantering. Each of her hooves seemed to be pointing in a different direction; you might say we developed our own 'Sacred Four Directions' style of riding.

I decided to take her for lessons with an event/jump trainer (and I had to haul a LOT of manure in exchange for the privelege of lessons. At the time I felt this served as a demonstration of my earnestness. Now, though, I wonder if it wasn't somehow.... metaphorical.) The trainer would caution me each time we went through a line of jumps "PLEASE! Pretend you are on quaaludes!" Here we demonstrate what we have learned by jumping both the jump and the placer rail all in one go:

And if the long jump doesn't work out maybe we'll try the high jump:

Maineville, OH - Here at B&B Stables we pride ourselves on our beautiful Saddlebreds. They are accomplished in many disciplines, including but not limited to: opening gates, chasing the ponies, chasing the cats, chasing the dogs, blanket removal, hair removal, skin removal, and rider removal. Also, one has excelled at Park Pleasure and Driving as recently as 10 years ago. We are more interested in representing you on the trail, as we see no one has done that yet. We would do our best to make you proud. As you can see, our horses are well-travelled, having seen everything from the open trail to the inside of the local bar. We are a friendly, fun-loving bunch that does not discriminate against breed, discipline or color.

We have state of the art equipment and would be more than happy to advertise your barn on it. We could even customize Pooh the Beer Dog's backpack with your logo if you like.

Sometimes we tend to party a little too hard, but we will try to not let our drunken debauchery be an embarassment to your fine establishment.

OK, we lied. We won't try.

Disclaimer: No horses have ever been harmed by our stupidity. We always take care of the horses before the idiocy starts, and keep a couple of token sober people around in case of emergency.

Rolling Hills, CA - We here at the HAHA Riding Club love the work you do at Hillbilly Farms! We would like to become a Hillbilly Farms satellite barn. We ourselves strive against perfection on a daily basis and understand what a daunting task it is (see photos below). Our barn is an extremely legitimate barn (we have jackets and everything).

We hope that each time one of our horses stops and spins four strides out from a five stride line right in front of the judge (in a 2 foot class nonetheless), each time one of our riders chips into and gets left behind out of an in-and-out, each time one of our pony's fake tails falls out as he canters down the judge's line, or each time we flatten out in a jump off and end up with 16 faults, we will represent Hillbilly Farms (and the HAHA Riding Club) with the utmost dignity and honor. And when we go off course and the announcer says "Thank you, Rider" twice before we get the hint, we will walk out of that arena (provided our horse will actually 'walk') with our heads held high. Then we will have a beer at whatever bar is on the showgrounds, or, as is more often the case, from the mini fridge that travels with us to shows (and, come to think of it, is kept well stocked at home, too) and we will live to ride another day and continue our battle against perfection.

Bonsall, CA - After peeing my pants at all the incredible photos on your site, we at Rising Phoenix would like to request participation in your fine organization. Here are some hightlights of our very special barn:
We are an adults only barn, which means, as a trainer, I offer tranquilizers to all riders showing.
We offer counseling to those who still think they can jump a 4’ course, even after they stopped riding 20 years ago.
We buy saddle tight by the case.
Our horses are well versed in “not today lady”.
All of our horses are OTTBs and do wonders for the local undersaddle classes by adding “brilliance” to each class (see photo).

Santa Cruz, CA - Came across your site, and boy, glad to know there are more Hillbillies in this world besides our outfit here in Santa Cruz, California. We are officially county-recognized as being the "Green Machine". We only take on the most untrained, poorly-prepped horses to ride in the most challenging, overfacing situations. That way we can truly gauge just how accomplished we are. Our rigorous schedule of riding 5 - 6 times per month assures us all the success we deserve...

Anytown, USA - I would like to join your team! My current instructor, Ann Onemus, suggested I contact you and try to form a team for next years Adult Team Eventing Championships for the West Coast. Ann believes none of her other students can keep up with my eventing mount, Winsome Losesome, and she thought the presence of one or more EMT's on our team could only work to my benefit. I have attached some photos of my horse, Loser, and I doing dressage and cross-country.

The cross-country photos are from an Ian Stark clinic! Ian said he'd never seen anything like us and he's seen the best! I have also ridden with Blyth Tait, "Why, you're nothing but a passenger." and Mike Plumb who said the best thing I could do to improve was to "get someone else to ride my horse." I think he was trying to get the ride on Loser away from me but my sponsors, Healfast Pharmacy, agreed to throw more Advil samples my way to persuade me to keep the horse. They seem to think Loser is a real goldmine. Even though we haven't won anything they always tell me they are satisfied with the return on their sponsorship -- I wear their name and phone number on my medical arm band.

I favor the event rider's colorful garb that George Morris talks about. Usually I'm black and blue but sometimes red. I hope those colors work for you. I never make the mistake of wearing my hair loose; a nice long braid down the back makes it much easier for the fence judge to pull one out of the water jump.

Apart from turnout, I think my biggest assets to the team would be speed: I've never had time penalties in dressage; durability: I always get back on after I've fallen off and endurance: Loser never gets tired or dizzy no matter how long you lunge her.

If you would like to open a Hillbilly Farms Satellite Barn, please send us an email detailing your accomplishments and include photos, if possible. If you have previously emailed us a request to open a satellite barn, please resend. Many of the emails we receive get lost in a sea of offers for personal enhancement products, lucrative business opportunities, and emails from the humor-impaired.