ENG 333 Communication for Science and Research

Jamie Larsen, Instructor

Activity - E-mail

1. Read the following notes about sentence revision: A common question is, "Why learn to revise?" Consider the following real-world examples:
   1. Computer manufacturer Coleco lost $35 million in a single quarter in 1983 - and eventually went out of business - when customers purchased its new Adam line of computers, found the instruction manuals unreadable, and rushed to return their computers.
   2. A nuclear plant supervisor ordered "ten foot long lengths" of radioactive material. Instead of getting the ten-foot lengths he needed, the supervisor received ten one-foot lengths, at a cost so great that it was held confidential.
   3. An oil company spent hundreds of thousands of dollars developing a new pesticide, only to discover that the formula had already been worked out five years earlier, by one of the same company's technicians. He wrote his report so poorly that no one had finished reading it.

   Revising is important in that it helps refine, and refocus a text. Before starting to revise, you should revisit the problem/purpose statement at the beginning. Think about what you want your reader to do with the information. Novice writers tend to add text during revision. Expert writers realize that getting the message across efficiently is a major aspect of effective communication.

   Punctuation can also impact how effectively a message is communicated. The major problem that I see students having with punctuation involves comma splices. You need to connect two independent clauses (ones with a subject and verb) with an "and" or a "but," or punctuate them as two stand alone sentences.

   Consider the following paragraph.

   Dear John:

   I want a man who knows what love is all about you are generous kind thoughtful people who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior you have ruined me for other men I yearn for you I have no feelings whatsoever when we are apart I can be forever happy will you let me be yours Gloria

   Which of the following two sample revisions with punctuation would you want to receive?

   Sample 1

   Sample 2

2. Read through the following rules for being a better writer. I especially like numbers 6, 13, and 23 - Ha!

3. Email to me your revision of the following excerpt written by the Director of Civilian Defense and sent to the Federal Works Agency during World War II. HINT: FDR used only two sentences!

   Such preparation shall be made as will completely obscure all Federal buildings and non-Federal buildings occupied by the Federal government during an air raid for any period of time from visibility by reason of internal and external illumination. Such obscuration may be obtained either by blackout construction or by terminating the illumination.

   This will, of course, require that in building areas in which production must continue during a blackout, construction must be provided that internal illumination may continue. Other areas, whether or not occupied by personnel, may be obscured by terminating the illumination.

   I will send you FDR's actual revision.