Chem. Engr. Education, 30(4), 278 (Fall 1996).
...AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT,
I'VE GOT A BRIDGE TO SELL YOU
Richard M. Felder
Department of Chemical Engineering
North Carolina State University
- I know you're busy, but this committee will probably meet
only once or twice a year and won't take any real time.
- It's true we take 65% of your direct costs and your department
only gets 2% back, but the overhead goes only to vital university
functions that benefit you far more than you're contributing.
- ...and I can assure this legislative budget committee that
the new two hundred fifty million dollar stadium will be a bargain
for the taxpayers--it will pay for itself and help support our
- I understand that your department has only one secretary
for 36 faculty members, but we're under severe budget constraints
and all of us from my office on down have to tighten our belts.
- ...and I can assure the Faculty Senate that all vice chancellors,
associate provosts, associate deans, assistant deans, assistants
to the chancellor and provost, deputy assistants to the associate
provosts, and deputy assistant associates to the associate and
assistant deans are critically important to the functioning of
this institution--and of course they all need their own administrative
assistants and secretaries.
- Physical Plant--we live to serve...what's that?...your
lab air conditioner died?...and fumes are coming from the sink
and the lab smells like a hog waste lagoon?...and there are sparks
coming from the circuit breaker box?...and a greenish liquid is
leaking from the ceiling onto the Mr. Coffee machine and dissolving
it?...sorry about that--we'll get right on it and have it taken
care of by tomorrow morning.
- Effective immediately, this university is fully committed
to continuous quality improvement, bottom-up administration, and
- We don't count dollars and papers when we evaluate faculty
performance--we only require that the professor be a kind and
caring human being.
- ...and I can assure you gentlemen of the press that Roger
Frobish was appointed Chairman of the University Board of Governors
because of his deep love and understanding of higher education.
The fact that he gave $250,000 to the State Senate majority leader's
re-election campaign fund last year had nothing to do with it.
- I know you had to redo your proposal budget three times
because we changed the forms and then the associate dean for graduate
programs signed instead of the associate dean for research and
then we changed the overhead rate and then we weren't sure about
the matching fund requirements so we sat on the proposal for a
month and then lost it, but our budget office is really here to
- ...and I can assure this accreditation board that the power
forward who averaged 27 points a game last year is first a scholar,
then an athlete. Grades don't mean everything, you know, and don't
forget he was acquitted.
- $400 a year for a faculty parking permit isn't that much--it
barely covers the cost of handing out parking tickets.
- ...and as chancellor, I can assure you that teaching is
the most important and valued function on this campus.
*Decision made at the Chancellor's retreat, attended
by no one of rank lower than Dean.
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