Chem. Engr. Education, 30(4), 278 (Fall 1996).

• I know you're busy, but this committee will probably meet only once or twice a year and won't take any real time.
  
  
• It's true we take 65% of your direct costs and your department only gets 2% back, but the overhead goes only to vital university functions that benefit you far more than you're contributing.
  
  
• ...and I can assure this legislative budget committee that the new two hundred fifty million dollar stadium will be a bargain for the taxpayers--it will pay for itself and help support our teaching program.
  
  
• I understand that your department has only one secretary for 36 faculty members, but we're under severe budget constraints and all of us from my office on down have to tighten our belts.
  
  
• ...and I can assure the Faculty Senate that all vice chancellors, associate provosts, associate deans, assistant deans, assistants to the chancellor and provost, deputy assistants to the associate provosts, and deputy assistant associates to the associate and assistant deans are critically important to the functioning of this institution--and of course they all need their own administrative assistants and secretaries.
  
  
• Physical Plant--we live to serve...what's that?...your lab air conditioner died?...and fumes are coming from the sink and the lab smells like a hog waste lagoon?...and there are sparks coming from the circuit breaker box?...and a greenish liquid is leaking from the ceiling onto the Mr. Coffee machine and dissolving it?...sorry about that--we'll get right on it and have it taken care of by tomorrow morning.
  
  
• Effective immediately, this university is fully committed to continuous quality improvement, bottom-up administration, and staff empowerment.*
  
  
• We don't count dollars and papers when we evaluate faculty performance--we only require that the professor be a kind and caring human being.
  
  
• ...and I can assure you gentlemen of the press that Roger Frobish was appointed Chairman of the University Board of Governors because of his deep love and understanding of higher education. The fact that he gave $250,000 to the State Senate majority leader's re-election campaign fund last year had nothing to do with it.
  
  
• I know you had to redo your proposal budget three times because we changed the forms and then the associate dean for graduate programs signed instead of the associate dean for research and then we changed the overhead rate and then we weren't sure about the matching fund requirements so we sat on the proposal for a month and then lost it, but our budget office is really here to help you.
  
  
• ...and I can assure this accreditation board that the power forward who averaged 27 points a game last year is first a scholar, then an athlete. Grades don't mean everything, you know, and don't forget he was acquitted.
  
  
• $400 a year for a faculty parking permit isn't that much--it barely covers the cost of handing out parking tickets.
  
  
• ...and as chancellor, I can assure you that teaching is the most important and valued function on this campus.

_____________________
*Decision made at the Chancellor's retreat, attended by no one of rank lower than Dean.

Return to list of columns
Return to main page